Congratulations Royals! Now Go Fuck Yourselves

Congratulations to the 2015 Kansas City Royals. You are World Series Champions. I’m sure your fans are excited but the fans of the other 29 teams are not. There are so many reasons to hate this championship team. Here’s some of them:

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The State of Missouri

Missouri doesn’t need two good teams. There’s already a frustratingly good team that plays in the state. Surprisingly, the Cardinals didn’t win the World Series this year (they did win 100 games though). They’re good every year. Hopefully the Royals won’t join them as perennial contenders. No one wants their fans to become as insufferable as Cardinals fans.

Missouri doesn’t deserve it either. Missouri Sucks. What have they given us? Budweiser is a source of pride for the people from this state. The police in Missouri just can’t stop killing people. Their NFL team does not want to play there any more. Are two winning baseball teams propping the state up? Let it collapse already.

Edinson Volquez Was Their Ace

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The Royals ace this year was Edinson Volquez. You have no business winning the World Series with Volquez as your ace. When we think of World Series winners we imagine good pitchers dominating the playoffs, like Bumgarner last year or Jon Lester the year before. Volquez was almost out of the league two years ago. In 2013 he made 32 starts and had a 5.71 ERA. The Dodgers left him off their postseason roster. He hadn’t been good since 2008. Somehow he had a great 2014 but no one thought that was for real. He ended up as the Royals most dependable pitcher though.

They Were Supposed to Suck

Usually it’s fun to root for an underdog. No one wants to see the underdog actually win the title though. It takes so much work to win a championship. You don’t want to see some team ride a streak of luck to an undeserved title. That’s what almost happened last year for Kansas City. Then it looked like they got worse over the offseason.

We had the Royals winning 80 games this year. We weren’t alone in our pessimism. At Sports Illustrated, none of their six writers had the Royals making the playoffs. At ESPN, only 4 out of 15 had them returning. At Fox Sports, 0 out of 12 picked them. If you look at the preseason number projections, Baseball Prospectus’ PECOTA had them winning 72 and Fangraphs had them winning 79. I can’t say no one picked them to be good this year, just no one who wasn’t a Royals fan.

They Always Come Back

There’s no worse feeling than seeing your team blow an important game. The Royals caused a lot of fans pain these playoffs. They had eight come from behind wins. All four wins in the World Series were come from behind wins. They should have lost in the first round to Houston but they came back from four down facing elimination. It’s just unreal. I can’t imagine what Mets, Blue Jays, and Astros fans felt in these games. Even when you had a lead you had to know that the Royals would inevitably come back. That’s no fun for anyone outside Kansas City.

The James Shields-Wil Myers Trade

A few years back, Kansas City traded for Tampa Bay starter James Shields. To get Shields though, they had to trade Wil Myers, the best prospect in baseball. The Royals were rightfully mocked for the move. They weren’t very good. Shields wasn’t going to put them over the top (they won the World Series this year without him). They should have just waited on Myers and a couple years later he would join their other young players like Hosmer and Moustakas to make for a good team. Also included in the trade was failed Tampa starter Wade Davis.

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You all know Wade Davis. He’s one of the best relievers in the game and a key part of these last two playoff runs. The inclusion of Davis (and the collapse of Myers after wining Rookie of the Year) has made some people proclaim that the Royals won the trade. People forget that the Royals also included two other top pitching prospects in the trade. One of those players, Jake Odorizzi, would have been one the better pitchers in the Royals rotation this year if they still had him. The trade was awful but it all worked out for Kansas City. The trade was still awful.

They’re Vindicating Old School Baseball

The Royals might not have an expensive roster but they’re far from “Moneyball”. They don’t try to hit home runs and they don’t take pitches. They single you to death. They win using the opposite of current conventional wisdom. And the old guys love it. They’re unselfish, they move the runner, they don’t swing for the fences, they go first to third. They fulfill all these stupid baseball cliches and it works for them.

I really hope other teams don’t try to copy their model. I like home runs. I like strikeouts. I bet Juan Pierre and David Eckstein were watching the World Series and planning their comebacks. I don’t want baseball to become that. I don’t want to see 9 Alcides Escobars in a lineup. It’s worked for the Royals but it won’t work for anybody else.

Yordano Ventura is a Dick

Yordano Ventura is a talented young pitcher. He’s also an asshole. The fact that he started the only game they lost in the World Series makes me happy. He deserves no success. If you forgot, he started this season off with three incidents. First he yelled at Mike Trout for scoring off him and tried to start a fight. His next start he threw at the A’s Brett Lawrie. Then in his next start he did this:

Enjoy it Kansas City. The price is now everybody hates you. I hope you lose every game next year.

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