As the calendar turns to September, we close out the “Summer Movie Season”. The actual summer season still has a few weeks but the the “Summer Movie Season”, which seemingly starts earlier and earlier every year (was Batman v. Superman a summer movie? It came out in March but that seems like a “summer movie”), definitely ends when August does. So here we are at the end of August. So how was it this year?
All kinds of shitty. How did this happen? Didn’t Hollywood figure this shit out a few years ago? After years of Transformers didn’t they learn how to make a huge blockbuster while also making it not suck? They must have forgot this year. Let’s see if we can find out where they went wrong.
So when exactly does the summer movie season start? How about April 15th with the release of…
The Jungle Book – Definite Hit
Jon Favreau, director of Iron Man, delivered Disney another huge hit. Not only did the film pull in over $950 million worldwide but it was actually good too. A sequel has already been confirmed. A great start to the summer and for Disney.
The Huntsman: Winter’s War – Disaster
At least Hollywood had a good week before it all turned to shit. And it really turned to shit with this one. “Let’s make a sequel to that action-y Snow White movie but this time, no Snow White”. “We’ll replace her with Emily Blunt and Jessica Chastain. That’ll get people in the seats.” Those are great actresses but not exactly box office draws. This flop could lose Universal $50 million.
Mother’s Day – Trash
This movie was so fucking bad that it killed it’s writer/director Garry Marshall. Seriously, he died. Look it up. Since there was no way I would ever watch this garbage, I looked up the cast on wikipedia. Jon Lovitz is in this thing. JON LOVITZ!! If you’re thinking of casting Jon Lovitz in your movie, and your name is not Adam Sandler, don’t do it. I think the 7% this received is a personal high for Lovitz.
Ratchet & Clank – What?
Last summer we wrote about video game movies sucking after the release of a Hitman movie. We ended it with some hope for the future. There was a Ratchet and Clank movie coming out and that might not be terrible. Oh but it was. But no one knew how terrible it was because no one saw it. It didn’t even break $10 million in the states. We should have known when Sony, who owns these characters, didn’t even produce this film.
Captain America: Civil War – Savior of the Summer
It hadn’t even been a month and Hollywood already needed a hero to save the summer movie season. And that hero’s name was Steve Rogers, or Tony Stark (Whose side were you on?), or maybe even Peter Parker. Well, regardless, this movie was huge, and rightfully so. It might be the best Marvel has had to offer yet and more importantly, to the industry, it made over a billion dollars.
The Angry Birds Movie – Cash Grab Based on a Cash Grab
The Angry Birds game is one of the most popular mobile games ever. It’s known for separating children from their parent’s money. This was an attempt to do the same in movie form. Not really a hit or a flop, this movie just didn’t need to exist.
Neighbors 2: Sorority Rising – Revenues Falling
Comedy sequels rarely work out. This was no exception. Worse reviews and a lot lower box office haul.
The Nice Guys – Not Nice Returns
Top-notch movie but no one saw it despite two A-Listers heading up the cast. Maybe you should cast actors known for comedy when making a comedy. Did you ever think of that Hollywood?
Alice Through the Looking Glass – Disney’s Flop
Not many people know there was a sequel to Lewis Carroll’s classic children’s novel Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland. Not many saw Disney’s movie adaptation either, probably because it sucked. I think everyone’s tired of Johnny Depp in crazy costumes at this point.
X-Men: Apocalypse – Franchise: Apocalypse
The last two X-Men movies were actually quite good, unlike the previous two X-Men movies before that. However, they couldn’t keep it up and the audiences took note. Mediocre reviews led to significantly less money. After another Wolverine solo movie the future is unknown for X-Men.
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Out of the Shadows – Not This Time
The last Ninja Turtles movie was terrible but at least it made money. This time though, they would embrace the awful and throw in some fan favorite, yet totally ridiculous, characters like Casey Jones, Bebop and Rocksteady, and of course Krang. It turns out no one knows who Krang is.
Popstar: Never Stop Never Stopping – Never Started
This bomb led us to question whether the big screen comedy was dead? We’re not sure of that but we are sure that Andy Samberg is box office poison after this movie didn’t even gross $10 million.
The Conjuring 2 – Scaring Audiences Back into Seats
After a really rough month, it took a horror movie to bring people back to the movies. While not a mega hit, The Conjuring 2 took in over $300 million worldwide on only a $40 million budget while receiving a solid 80% on rotten tomatoes.
Now You See Me 2 – No, No One Saw You
After 2013’s Now You See Me was a minor hit, it was obvious they would make a sequel. But the sequel had worse reviews, made less money, and cost more to make. Maybe no one really wanted a sequel.
Warcraft – Not Enough Nerds (or Chinese People)
We actually wrote at length about the successes and failures of the Warcraft movie. While it is the highest grossing video game adaption of all-time it should still be considered a failure as very little of that money was made in the U.S. If you only count domestic box office, Warcraft would rank 10th among video game adaptations, behind a bunch of shitty Resident Evil movies.
Central Intelligence – OK!!
This movie wasn’t awful and it made some decent money. This is progress. Not failing completely is almost the same thing as succeeding.
Finding Dory – Printing Money
You can always rely on Pixar. Another critical success with the matching box office returns. This is the highest grossing film in the U.S. this year and it’s really not even close.
This was the 3rd success in two weeks. Maybe Hollywood had turned it around. We’ll see in Part 2.